I have realized that this has been a frequent occurrence in my life. Since middle school I've had these relationships planned out in my head, with or without the guy knowing it. Even here in Australia, I found myself doing it again. I finally got fed up with it and just asked God about it. Why have I been stuck in this perpetual cycle? Why am I always in love with people who don't love me back?
God, in His faithfulness, answered me.
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- What I have been calling love is not really love. I don't usually read the Message Bible, but I looked up 1 Corinthians 13 one day in it. Two lines that convicted me are: Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't force itself on others. I realize that I have been wanting what I don't have. I'd been trying to manipulate people into loving me. Bon Iver does a cover of I Cant Make You Love Me that I have been listening to over and over again. I can't make people love me. I can't be nice enough, cute enough, in shape enough, great enough, etc in the hopes that someone would decide to love me. If God doesn't mess with peoples free will, how do I expect I can make people do anything. I had been calling this anxious, manipulative, one-sided love love and it's not.
- I have been delighting in daydreams instead of Gods reality. Psalm 37:4 says, Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. People take this and think they can trick God into giving them what they want if they spend enough time praying, fasting, whatever. If you come to God with any other motive than purely wanting to be in His presence, then you are trying to manipulate Him instead of desiring Him. I'd been delighting in daydreams. I would give my heart away to men who one, didn't ask for it, and two, didn't deserve it. In Gods presence is the fullness of joy. There is no substitute.
So, heres my encouragement to single ladies everywhere. Being single is not the end of the world. Honestly, if I had gotten married where I used to live I wouldn't be anywhere near pursuing my dreams. Dont try to fit yourself into the type of life you think you should have just to get the man that you think you should have. Pursue satisfaction in knowing who you are in Christ and who Christ is in you. Life doesn't start when you get married or get a relationship. Life starts when you decide to live and not just exist.
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